Thursday, October 30, 2008

Ice cream poop, weed tacos, and Democratic phone sex lines

Hello one and all! (I guess 2 really, being the number of people who will read this)

I have a few stories for you to enjoy that have been in the news the past week or so.

Lets start with a court case going on in Sydney, Australia where a man and his wife are suing a local pub for putting feces in their gelato. The gelato was tested and did find traces of feces, they are currently performing DNA tests to see if it was human or not.
The man and his wife are accusing the pub's owners for retaliating to their earlier complaints that the music at the bar was too loud and that it was preventing them from watching their soccer match.
The wife said it was so terrible she spit it right out and later become violently ill.
"The stench went through my nostrils, I retched and spat it into the napkin,"
My thing is, if she smelled the poop, why would she then eat it? Yes, it is very disgusting but i think maybe its a little on their end too for eating poop AFTER they smelled it.

A couple in Colorado left their Del Taco drive thru ready to partake in some delicious Mexican style late night tacos when they found a small bag of marijuana topping their food. The man working the window was arrested on possession. He originally denied it, but then admitted it was for a friend and that he misplaced the bags.
What a moron.
He also lost his job.

In what is by far the story of the week,
A man went out drinking, came home drunk, and then tried to have sex with his female roomate. She kept refusing his advances and the man became irate. So he took the next logical course of action, went down to the basement, and peed on her dog.

A flyer that was sent out by Democratic volunteers in Michigan with pictures of Obama and urging voters to submit their absentee ballots also contained a phone number at the bottom. I believe it was to help them with their voting, but when dialed actually took callers to a phone-sex hotline.
Im sure more people would vote if they had incentives such as this.

A police officer in Frisco, Texas was directing traffice after a concert when he recognized one of the vehicles rolling through the intersection. It was his pick-up that he had parked around the corner. Needless to say the kid who stole it was caught.

Finally my favorite story:
An Austrian man was charged with drunk driving after driving to a police station to argue his drunk driving ticket.
He had been pulled over and had his keys taken away earlier in the night and then charged with drunk driving.
The man then went home, picked up a spare set of keys and went back to his abandoned car, drove it to the police station and startd arguing the first charge. The officers determined he was still under the influence and charged him again.

Thats all for now.

keepin it real from the loop

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Have you seen the bigger piggies, In their starched white shirts, You will find the bigger piggies,Stirring up the dirt,always have clean shirts to.."

The amount of characters allowed in the title apparently cannot contain the bigger piggies verse from the Piggies song. Quite obviously I am referring to the Beatles song off of the White Album entitled: "Piggies".
If you haven't heard it, I recommend it. Its a classic.

You might ask why is he talking about piggies so much? Where is he gonna go with this?

Let us start off with a large piggie.

A woman in Australia was "held hostage" for 10 days by a pig the size of a shetland pony. Apparently he was just hungry. The woman had cared for the injured pig when he showed up on her property, but then he demanded to be fed and kept her locked up in her bedroom, frequently ramming his head into her door. The massive 176 pound pig claimed her house and land as his territory.
The woman finally contacted authorities and the porker will be taken to a piggery where he'll start breeding with the ladies.
This isn't him, but it could be his cousin:

So I understand how she could get stuck there for a little while, but 10 days? The pig has to sleep too....This was a clear cut case of a woman getting outsmarted by a pig. A pig.

In other pig related news, a sow in Ukraine has welcomed 3 tiger cubs from a nearby zoo as part of her litter. The tiger's mother has refused to nurse them and so they were brought to a nearby farm for some milk. Neither the sow nor the piglets seem to mind. It kinda reminds me of Lambert the sheepish lion. It was my favorite disney short cartoon growing up and it'll rock your socks off.
Here is the short in its entirety:
most likely in real life those tiger cubs would gladly eat their adopted family in a few months.

Japanese businessman have been living ahead of the dry-cleaning curve. A Japanese distributor has created shower-clean suits that can be sprayed for a few minutes in the shower, and then will drip dry in a few short hours. No ironing needed.
Its a good idea, but I don't see where the robots and anime fit in just yet. Any ideas?

And now for the good stuff. This story could not be made up, no way no how. Lets call it our most stupidest person story of the week.
So anyways a woman in England for over nine months (NINE MONTHS!!) was "tricked" or "raped by deception" by a man who claimed her was treating her with penis cream. The woman thought she had contracted some sort of rash and the man claimed a OBGYN friend of his said she should start using a certain cream and he offered to put it on his penis and help her apply it inside of her. The woman of course made no objection becuase it was CLEARLY medical in intention.
WOW. If you can't figure out which of these people is the most stupidest of the week, then you can join her. What type of moron would believe this, let alone allow it to continue for 9 months.
You can read the rest of this story below, but in my opinion if you are that dumb, you don't deserve pity. I'm not saying she deserved to be raped (if you can call it that, "raped by deception?") but I don't exactly see her as a victim. The man has been arrested and is facing charges of rape and obtaining money by deception.

And finally I would like to discuss David Blaine for a second. I don't like him, he's a dueche. However according to a Foxnews story his even more of a dueche because his whole "hanging upside down for 60 hours" really is with breaks every hour to go to the bathroom etc. So my thing is 1) why is he doing it? its stupid, its not magic, and he sucks. 2) Why am I getting my news from Fox?

Also as an added bonus (for me atleast) I realized that I dislike people such as Kelly Ripa as much as Daivd Blaine, mainly because of stuff like this:,4644,5165,00.html#2_0

Pull a rabbit out of your hat and I'll be impressed. Hell, do this and i'll be really impressed:
but hanging upside down from a bridge every hour with breaks is just hanging upside down from a bridge.

Show me a giant sized monopoly board and i'd be happy.

Thats all for today. Leave a post.

Keepin it real from the loop

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

"Leggy Leggy Leggy Leggy, Blondie Blondie Blondie Blondie.."

The title of my newest "welcome back" blog is of course part of the lyrics to the wonderful Flight of the Conchords song "Leggy Blonde". The full version of which can be seen here:
Make sure you watch the whole video, so you don't miss the office supply stomp and other great stuff.

The reason Leggy Blonde popped into my head was because of THE leggiest blonde in the world. I am referring of course to Svetlana Pankratova, the woman with the longest legs in the world. She did a photoshoot recently with He Pingping of Inner Mongolia to promote the newest release of the Guinness Book of World Records. Svetlana's legs have been measured at just under 52 inches, about 4 feet.
You can see pictures of them together here:

So a brief moment to explain why I haven't posted since July 25. I've been busy, get off it. I do know that I now have atleast 1 new reader, so that brings the grand total back up to 2. However this post is for the most part for Dave. The always checking, ever posting Dave who has been by far the most loyal reader of the Afternoon Update since its inception.
Dave, even though you look like a guy who wants to be Grizzly Adams but is also looking like a wookie, I salute you. Go Dave!

Back to the news:
A woman in Fort Worth Texas has been arrested for assault after she swung a sword (ninja or samurai I don't know) at her boyfriend. She also bit him and smashed a picture frame over his head. The whole argument logically began over the fact that there were dirty dishes in the sink. Lesson for the fellas on this one, unless you want your lady friend to go samurai (or ninja) on your ass, do the goddamn dishes.
Although at the same time I respect the man for sticking to his principles, perhaps he was in the right and he correctly stood his ground.
This one is a tie for me.

Police in Nigeria have arrested an 84 year old man for having too many wives. The legal maximum is 4 wives in Nigeria and this man has 86. 86 wives and 107 children. So here's the thing. Why was he arrested now? why not when he had lets say 50 wives, or hell even 5. Its just so rediculous. Not the law itseld but the really late enforcement of said law on an old man.

A popular hotel in Turkey has fired all of its male staff for "philandering". Apparently it was becoming a problem that all of the male staff was sleeping with a large number of female guests. They have an all female staff now. Two things 1) ALL of the men were gettin some? like even the bellhops and cooks etc? That's impressive. 2) Maybe all this philandering was an added draw to this hotel. It is very possible their business will suffer.

About 1,000 Balinese protesters rallied against a proposed anti-pornography bill. Only 1,000. Out of curiousity how many people would protest something like that in the good 'ol USA?
I for one am appalled that only 1,000 people showed up.

Thats leads me into my rant for today. I realized the other day when someone in a group email thread used the phrase "I for one". I don't know why it took me so long to realize it, but when said seriously (as in this situation) that it one of the most obnoxious things you can say. Basically the person who starts their sentence off that way is immediately distancing themself from you and anyone else in the conversation and elevating themselves on a pedestal/platform/whatever you want.
Pay attention the next time someone uses that phrase to begin a sentence in your conversation. Then tell them to get over themselves. I for one think that being so arrogant as to use that phrase is rediculous, but thats just me ("That's just me" is the obnoxious closing to any "I for one" sentences, and should be treated with equal disdain).

And finally we have the picture of the day. This one's for Dave.
Hows that for anti-porn

That's all for today. Leave a post if you please.

Keepin it real from loop (but not really)